At some point, many of us start to fear our parent is no longer safe behind the wheel. That’s the time you need to convince your aging parents to stop driving. My concern started two years ago with my dad, then 87. I, along with my siblings, saw worrisome signs but didn’t know what to do. He became defensive and angry when we tried to gently discuss it. Understandably, Dad wanted to continue his independent life and not depend on others for transportation. I get it; no one relinquishes control of their life happily. But it was time for him to become the passenger instead of the driver.
What to Do if Your Loved One Won’t Relinquish the Car Keys
This situation is very tough. Here are some tips that we hope are helpful.
Do Not Ignore the Situation
This conversation is one of the most difficult to have with a parent. How do you communicate your concerns to a parent who denies their driving skills are questionable – or perhaps even downright dangerous? Often, older adults do not recognize their own impairment, especially if they have Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia. I understand why people ignore the situation and hope for the best. However, if you let an elderly person drive who is unfit, unfortunate consequences may result.
Understand this decision dramatically impacts life as they know it. They lose the option to drive into town, go to the park or visit friends whenever they feel like it. Your loved one needs time to adjust to the idea. Make sure you research available transportation options prior to the discussion so they do not feel “stuck”.
Allow Your Elderly Parent to Maintain Their Dignity
It’s best to gently broach the conversation early, as soon as you start to see warning signs. Have a candid talk and attempt to reach a voluntary agreement that it’s time to consider alternate transportation. You want their buy-in; don’t approach the subject as if the conclusion was already decided.
When you talk, state why you believe they should not continue to drive. For example, point out side effects of medications, impaired vision, and limiting physical conditions if applicable. Avoid subjective comments about their mental status or decreased attention span which they might interpret as a personal attack. Don’t forget to emphasize that you make this request out of love and concern for their well-being. Ask that they give this new arrangement a trial run for a few weeks. Offer to get together after the trial to troubleshoot any issues or concerns.
What Do You Do if They Still Refuse to Stop?
Some of our parents willingly give up their keys. Many of us are not that lucky. I certainly was not. My Dad was angry and uncooperative no matter how we approached the subject. His favorite response was “I’m still the parent, you don’t get to tell me what to do!”
Ultimately, we were unable to convince Dad to stop driving on his own. Though he did not often venture out with the car by that time, we were not comfortable with a drive even once every week or two. He stubbornly refused all our provisions for alternate transportation which allowed him to get out on his own schedule. We are lucky to have good resources available nearby that included family, friends and local senior transportation services, but it didn’t matter. He did not intend to give up his car keys. We needed to find another way.
Ways to Convince Aging Parents to Stop Driving
We decided to involve a respected third party as the next step. We thought he might be more receptive if the request to relinquish the car keys did not come from his children. Later, we tried more drastic measures.
Our situation was extremely difficult, and hopefully yours is easier. I share the avenues we explored simply to provide suggestions on possible ways to proceed with your loved one. What works for one family may not work for others; the solution is very specific to the individual and the situation.
Involving a third party to convince aging parents to stop driving:
If you need to ask a third party to step in, here are four suggestions to explore.
The State Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV)
The DMV was our first effort. When it came time to renew his license, Dad, now age 88, went to the DMV. We hoped they would test him, and based on the results, refuse to renew it. But that didn’t happen. They simply asked him to pay the fee and gave him a new license, no questions asked. In the state he resides, it turns out no special requirements exist for seniors who renew their licenses other than they must go in person. There was no driving test or even an eye test.
Family Physician
We next called his long-term doctor whose opinion dad holds in high regard. The doctor agreed to address driving and safety at the next appointment. Dad listened and gave appropriate responses, promising not to drive anymore. However, I don’t know if he forgot the conversation when he left the office, which is entirely possible, or simply told the doctor what he wanted to hear with no intention to follow through. Either way, he did not stop. A few months later, we asked the doctor to conduct an assessment and provide us with documentation to bring to the DMV. This step is a drastic one, but we did not know what else to do. Of course, Dad had a good day the afternoon of the assessment and passed the tests without a problem. We were unable to get a note that stated he should no longer drive.
Optometrist/Ophthalmologist
As good eyesight is essential to drive safely, we considered the eye doctor for the next step. This one works well if your loved one’s poor vision is a factor in why you believe they should give up their car keys. The appointment may provide solid evidence as to why it is not safe for them to continue to drive. You can take the report of the vision examination to the DMV. Unfortunately, the eye doctor appointment did not help us. We forgot Dad’s cataract surgery two years earlier left him with excellent vision in both eyes.
An Elder Law or Estate Attorney
Dad’s attorney , with whom he worked for many years, holds credibility comparable to that of his doctor. Since the DMV and the medical appointments did not convince him to relinquish his keys, in desperation we turned to his attorney. She set up a time to stop by his house to discuss the risks involved from a monetary and legal perspective. She spoke with him about what might happen to his estate in the event of a serious accident. They discussed who might be liable in the event he seriously injured another person while driving. As Dad tends to be risk averse in terms of his finances, we thought this approach might work well. Dad listened intently as the attorney spoke, then, as with the doctor, agreed to comply with her recommendations. Guess what? He did not. Surprise, surprise.
When more drastic measures become necessary
If you try all of the above suggestions without success, it’s time to get more serious. Nobody wants to intentionally deceive a loved one, but you may be out of options at this point. Here are two suggestions.
Have a family member “borrow” the car
If the car is not in the garage, Dad can’t drive it, right? Makes sense, but we were not yet ready to invent a story; it seemed wrong to lie. It turned out my brother actually needed a car short term right at that time, so he asked Dad to borrow his vehicle for a few days. He said yes, and we thought, since Dad is increasingly forgetful, he might not ask about it. We hoped to avoid a confrontation, but it didn’t work out that way. After a few days, he called my brother to let him know he needed his car back “just in case”. He said he was uncomfortable in the house without a car. And so my brother brought the car back.
Hide or ‘lose” the keys
Finally, with all other options pretty well exhausted, we took the keys. It wasn’t easy because he kept the keys in his pants pocket at all times. Though he did not drive often, with the keys close by, he felt free to go out when he wanted. One day, we quietly removed them from his pocket while he napped. We did not think he would notice right away, but he did. When he woke, he realized immediately the keys were gone. He asked each of us if we saw them. Though it felt wrong to lie, to keep him safe, we all said no. We even helped him look. It’s been a few weeks now and he still asks every now and then, but he is not agitated. He no longer has a clear sense of time so he accepts our response that “they have to be in the house, so they will turn up”. In our particular situation, we needed to “lose” the keys to avoid an angry and unreasonable confrontation – and most importantly, allow him to maintain his dignity.
What’s the Right Way to Stop Your Loved One from Driving?
Are you concerned for the safety of your elderly parent in the car? It’s essential you find a way to convince aging parents to stop driving if you think they are a danger to themselves or others. Hopefully, you will not have to take away car keys – that is a last resort. Every situation is different and you need to find the best solution for your family. While I certainly prefer to have my intelligent, reasonable Dad make the decision on his own, I accept he is not the same person he was a few years ago. For him, a white lie was the kindest way to go.
If you had to convince your elderly parents to give up driving, please share your experiences with us in the comment section below – we would love to hear from you.
Good for you for being realistic about driving…Your dad’s story is not uncommon unfortunately – it”s very difficult for many to admit their reflexes may not be as sharp as in earlier years. Glad the insurance companies refused to insure him! Thanks for sharing.
Hi. I’m an 83 yr old widow. I still drive but very seldom and only when absolutely necessary. I try to find someone to pick up necessities, if possible. However, my dad was not helpful at all when the time came for him to stop driving, nor was my four brothers when I asked for their help. In fact a police officer stopped him for speeding 70mph in a 50mph zone and just smiled when he saw the age of my father and suggested it would be safer for him and others if he would just slow down. What finally did the trick: Every so often my father would have a minor fender bender type accident with his car and the insurance companies just refused to insure him anymore. Thank God he was a religious law abider!