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By Michael Lubell- “The Onion Peeler”

Looking to find your soulmate online?

Many online daters are looking to find a soulmate and would just as soon meet a long term partner ASAP.  It’s not uncommon to see desperate cries for help on a profile such as, “Get me off this site, please…” 

It could happen right away or it could take years.  Lowering your expectations is helpful getting through a process that took me twelve years.

Eventually, most older adults want the ‘real deal’, in the form of eclipsing the love they lost or finding a deeper connection.  Understanding what went wrong in the past goes a long way toward learning how you can be happier and more supportive in a new relationship.

Validate initial/early physical attraction

Don’t question it either way.  If there is no physical attraction after a cup of coffee or a drink, it’s unlikely to overtake you the next day. Yes, especially for guys, it stinks that you might still be hung up on HOT, but you cannot fake your way through physical attraction if it doesn’t exist. If attraction is no big thing, as “looks fade with time” anyway, then you have this one handled.

Stick to your gut and be upfront on the big stuff

Friends thought I was nuts for disqualifying one political side on all my dating profiles.  But putting it on my profile was the smartest thing I ever did. Our current bi-polarized political climate in the U.S. extends into social and cultural events these days. It’s not a great time to cross political divides, so I recommend you respect the “other side” by staying away. 

There are plenty of other big things worth considering, as well.  This is where soulmate seekers need to use their judgement.  If music taste, food proclivity, travel preferences, love of kids, desire to socialize vs. stay home or religion always been big buttons- don’t assume it’s going to change now.

Good dialog trumps good food and a view

There is plenty of time to fine dine and see a good show. Save it.  For the first meeting, fancy is just “noise”.  Quiet is nice.  Not running into parents, friends, or town gossip freaks is also desirable.

Light and funny with an edge is ideal.  If it’s not in your repertoire, though, don’t force it.  Be yourself. If the dialog moves from light to heavy don’t dwell on it.  Avoid ex-wife/ex-husband rants at all costs.  It’s a soulmate search, not a therapy session or job interview.

Don’t panic- even strong connections are imperfect

Even if aligned on major issues, there are going to be some bumps.  Consider the importance of timing, as an example. I worried because my partner divorced only recently and was very new to online dating, whereas I divorced years ago and had far too much experience dating. Fortunately, so many things were right about our connection that we were able to work past our concerns.

Fewer major issue obstacles are likely ahead as most of those are behind us, which makes dating later in life easier.  For example, family plans and career questions are in the rear view. Religion was a concern before I had a family, but at this point I am comfortable dating outside my faith. 

Newsflash- If you catch the fish, reel it in

If you happen to be lucky enough to find someone that feels very different in a good way than all “the rest” – someone that gets you in a way no one has before – go with it.

Don’t feel like you have to  “play It cool”. I can’t stand that strategy. If saying you want to go out again or calling soon after a date ends makes you “too interested/serious”, you didn’t blow it.  You saved yourself time and are better off ending it early.

Stalking or obsessing, on the other hand, shows you are out of control and not at all cool.   If you are prone to that type of behavior, seriously, see a mental health professional.

Hit the Reset Button

It’s easy to become discouraged after two, three or four bad encounters in a row.  Okay, maybe ten or fifteen disappointments in a row.  Whatever it is, you owe it to yourself and to the next one up to start anew.

I met many women over the years who lost respect for men, themselves, and the process long before our paths crossed.  It’s the flip side of being too excited and optimistic. I recommend you try to get a little excited about meeting someone new, though sometimes that’s easier said than done. If you can’t, better to stay home and regroup until you are ready.

Don’t date multiple men/women at once

Dating multiple people takes the pressure off and keeps you busy, but it’s a crutch and can be confusing. Some men say there is nothing wrong with juggling a full roster when there is no clear keeper on the team. I disagree. Keeping yourself busy with people you don’t see as ‘the one” takes time away from finding a meaningful relationship.

Stacking is great for dishes, not for finding your soulmate online.  One at a time, repeat as necessary, then make the decision either to quit or to stay with that person and see what develops.

Get comfortable being alone before becoming part of a couple

Many older adults say they are comfortable being alone, but are they being honest with themselves? If not, loneliness can create anxiety and depression, issues that you need to work on before entering a new relationship.

Obsession with being busy is an unofficial American pastime. 

Those afflicted often force relationships that are unlikely to work out. Instead, engage in more activities unrelated to a soulmate search. Spend time with friends and family, read, develop new hobbies or revisit old ones rather than busying yourself with people you don’t enjoy.

The bottom line

Don’t give up on online dating.  I don’t work for Match or any other site, but you cannot get the same exposure or insight anywhere else. These sites provide a viable way to meet people, even with the deception found on some online profiles. To find your soulmate online, try to avoid becoming cynical or developing a defeatist attitude. Remain open-minded, selective, and honest with yourself to find true love online and make it work for real.

 

 

About the author:

Michael “The Onion Peeler” Lubell 

Following an NYU MBA, Northwestern BA, a modest business career with practically record-setting job changes, Michael left the world of sales and marketing for the freelance creative side to write in 2018.  No longer beholden to the whims and politics of the corporate world, he found solace and satisfaction writing for Next Avenue on subjects as diverse as Latecomer Comedians, Zoom Reunions, and Bi-polarized Friendships.