by Ellen Blake
I’ll be married 36 years in November, happily married. Does that mean I am happy every single day? Definitely not. Marriage isn’t without its challenges and it’s not realistic to expect it to be easy throughout all the ups and downs of life. Marriage requires effort, compromise, acceptance, and constant communication. Busy schedules and life’s demands can make it difficult to prioritize your relationship. Couples who choose to make a consistent effort to maintain a strong connection generally find that marriage can provide a deep sense of intimacy, companionship, and emotional security.
Why is gray divorce, sometimes called late-in-life divorce, on the rise despite divorce rates in general declining? Some couples divorce after decades of marriage because social attitudes about divorce are now more accepting today in previous years and now, they want out. Others find that after years of focusing on raising kids and neglecting their relationship, they feel they no longer have much in common. A serious illness or disability can strain a marriage. These are just some of the reasons gray divorce is becoming more common. According to a study by the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University, the divorce rate for adults aged 50 and older doubled since 1990. The rise of gray divorce among older couples highlights the fact that marriage requires persistent effort through the years from both partners.
Relationship Advice for a Happy Long-Term Marriage
So, what makes a happy decades-long marriage? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but we asked contented long-term couples for their best relationship advice for a successful long-term marriage. Here’s what they told us.
Accept Your Spouse for Who They Are
“The things that annoy you early in your marriage will not go away; in fact, these habits will likely get worse. Your job is not to try to mold your spouse into the person you want them to be. Your job is to love and accept them for exactly who they are and hope they do the same for you. None of us is perfect. Try to remember that you can’t change people, especially by nagging. The best you can do is tell your spouse how you feel – what they choose to do with that information is up to them. Often, just seeing them make an effort can lessen the annoyance you feel.” Rachel – Connecticut
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
“Throughout our marriage, my husband and I designated one night each week to spend together no matter what else was going on, usually Friday nights. Whenever possible, we prepared a nice meal and lit candles. We agreed that this night each week would be a good time to wipe the slate clean and let go of all the petty day-to-day aggravations from the week before. Sometimes one of us wanted to discuss an issue that felt bigger than “the small stuff”, but most of the time it wasn’t necessary. As a result, resentments rarely piled up for us. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s important to practice forgiveness so you can move on.” Laura – Massachusetts
Don’t Criticize Your Spouse in Public
“If you have something you need your spouse to hear, have the courtesy to tell them privately. Belittling someone in public is a form of abuse. While I’m on the topic of criticism, I recommend you don’t do it in private either. There is a difference between offering constructive feedback with support and understanding and criticism. If you are someone who criticizes a lot, you might take a step back and assess your expectations. Are they realistic? Criticizing your partner often leads to frustration and a strained relationship.” Stephen – Texas
Maintain Your Individuality
“Marriage shouldn’t halt your individual development. A healthy marriage allows space for your own identity and contributes to your overall happiness and well-being. In turn, this can enrich your relationship. Maybe you like to travel, and your spouse doesn’t. That’s OK, but it doesn’t mean you should stop. Find a friend or two who also do not have someone to travel with, then share your experiences with your spouse when you get home. It’s important to give your significant other room to grow, and they do the same for you. Marcia – Michigan
Fight Fair
“Fighting fair means expressing yourself in a way that can help resolve the problem. Remember you are on the same team, which means it’s not a good idea to go into an argument expecting to ‘win”. Use ‘I’ messages rather than ‘you’ messages to avoid sounding like you are attacking or making an accusation, which tends to make people defensive. Avoid words like ‘never’ and ‘always’; generalizations are usually incorrect and sound like an attack. Stick to the topic and don’t bring up past mistakes. No name-calling. Finally, don’t hit below the belt; the goal should be to try to find a way to move forward, not work as hard as you can to hurt the other person.” Mark, Oregon
Remember Your Shared History
“You won’t always like your spouse and that’s OK. As humans, we are all imperfect. For the really hard times when you might feel the marriage isn’t working, try to step back and not say something awful that you can’t take back. Then remind yourself of the positive aspects of your relationship and the reasons you fell in love in the first place. Remembering our shared history helps bring me back to a good place. Michele – Wyoming
Laughter Is the Best Medicine
Don’t let life get so serious that you forget to enjoy each other’s company. Keep things fun and lighthearted. Being able to laugh at yourself can get you through some very tough times. Michael – New York
Prioritize Your Relationship
“When we were younger, raising children and building our careers, my husband and I often felt like we were two ships passing in the night. We struggled to maintain both our physical and emotional connections. An older friend who was married longer suggested we hire a babysitter for Saturday nights. Every Saturday night. Someone who would just show up every week. We weren’t excited about this advice due to the expense of sitters. She pressured us to do it anyway. “It’s cheaper than a divorce!” she said. And so, we did, and this turned out to be great advice. We were too tired to make plans or find an available sitter each week, but to have someone just show up week after week forced us to go out. Usually, we went to dinner, even if it was just for an hour or two and got caught up with each other. We never went to a movie; we always went somewhere we could talk. It was a great way to rekindle intimacy. The kids are now grown and on their own, but we have continued to prioritize time to nurture our relationship” Mary – Indiana
Don’t Keep Score
“It’s better to fight over who gets to do more of the shared responsibilities than bicker over who is doing more around the house. Don’t keep score. Accept that sometimes one person has more time to contribute than the other, that’s just life. There will be times when the other person will pick up the slack. It’s important to work together as partners to get things done and stop nitpicking.” Brian, Maine
Seek Professional Help When Needed
“My husband was raised in a family where he was not allowed to express negativity of any kind. And by negativity, I mean if I asked him to go to a movie in which he was not interested, he agreed anyway. It would come out a year later in an argument that I “made him” go to that movie. This made the early years of our marriage challenging as he carried resentment for long periods of time about issues both big and small that I had no idea he had. Disagreements became wildly blown out of proportion. My mom suggested we spend some time in counseling to help him understand that not only was it OK to say no, but that I sincerely wanted to know his thoughts, both positive and negative. As I can’t read minds, I needed him to communicate honestly with me. So, my advice would be to understand that everyone brings their own baggage to a marriage and a little professional help can go a long way. It worked very well for us.” Lisa – Florida
Communication is Key
Did you know that poor communication is the number one cause of relationship breakups? It’s not surprising that the advice provided above from ten different people all involves communication in some way.
When I married at age 27, my communication skills were not great. I learned the hard way that without talking things through, problems fester and resentment builds. Eventually, I would blow. The ensuing interaction was not at all a productive one and most of the time I found my husband was completely unaware of how I felt. How could he know if I didn’t tell him? I needed to learn how to share my feelings clearly, and before I became too angry to have a rational and mature conversation.
The good news is that communication skills can be learned and improved. I’m not saying it’s easy; it takes effort. This is a skill both my husband and worked on and continue to work on. Our communication problems were different, but we both had habits that needed to be broken. Happily, these days we have very few blow-ups or even misunderstandings.
Communication Issues in Long-Term Marriages
Communication issues in long-term marriages come in many forms. And often our communication patterns are learned from our families of origin and are hard to break. For example, if you grew up in a household where yelling was the norm, it’s easy to fall back on that during arguments with your spouse. Or, if your family was conflict-avoidant and tended to withdraw, stonewall or simply dismiss the other person’s feelings rather than have an honest conversation, you might find that you behave the same way as an adult.
Common Communication Problems
Communication problems show up in different ways. Do you recognize any of these behaviors at play in your marriage?
The Bottom Line
Marriage is a journey and comes with many challenges. Is it worth it? The couples with whom we spoke with decades-long marriages say, yes, absolutely it is worth it.
Over time, couples develop a deep sense of intimacy and understanding. Building a life together, sharing experiences big and small, gives many couples a sense of security and comfort You know each other’s quirks and inside jokes. And studies show that married people tend to live longer, healthier lives, likely in no small part due to having companionship and a built-in support system.
Keep in mind that successful long-term marriages don’t just happen. They require effort, communication, and a willingness to work through challenges together. But for those committed to making their marriage last, providing there are no extenuating circumstances such as abuse, the rewards are significant.
Have advice from your long-term marriage that you believe will be helpful to others? Please share in the comment section below!
FAQs
Below are some questions we hear from readers about long-term marriages
How do you keep the spark alive after many years of marriage?
Keeping the spark alive requires effort from both partners. You might try regularly spending quality time together, engaging in activities that you both enjoy, expressing appreciation and affection, and trying new things together.
What are some common challenges faced by couples in long-term marriages?
Common challenges include communication breakdowns, changes in intimacy and desire, navigating major life transitions such as career changes or children leaving the nest.
How do you maintain communication and intimacy in a long-term marriage?
Maintaining open and honest communication is key. Practice active listening, express thoughts and feelings without judgment, and check in with each other regularly about both the everyday and deeper aspects of life. Nurture intimacy in your relationship through physical affection, emotional connection, and shared experiences.
How do you handle changes in individual growth and development within the marriage?
Acknowledging and supporting each other’s personal growth and development is essential. This may involve adapting to changes in interests, goals, or priorities, and being flexible in how you support each other’s evolving identities.
What strategies can couples use to continually nurture your emotional connection?
Regularly expressing love and appreciation, being attentive to each other’s emotional needs, and prioritizing quality time together can help nurture the emotional connection in a long-term marriage. Engaging in activities that foster emotional intimacy, such as deep conversations or shared rituals, can also be beneficial.
What are some signs that a long-term marriage may need professional help or counseling?
There are many signs that a marriage may benefit from professional. For example, counseling is helpful if you have persistent communication breakdowns, unresolved conflicts or resentments, or a lack of connection or emotional intimacy. Significant life stressors can also impact your relationship. Seeking therapy or counseling can provide valuable support and guidance and help you move forward.
