Should You Feel Empathy for the Narcissist?

by Ellen Blake

It’s hard to feel sorry for a narcissist

Narcissists are extremely difficult people. I’m not talking about people with narcissistic traits; we all know challenging, self-absorbed individuals we might call narcissists. We may ourselves act selfish and boastful every now and then. The difference is people with narcissistic traits do not necessarily have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

True narcissism is a mental illness for which there is no cure, though therapy can help. Narcissists have grandiose ideas about themselves, need constant attention and admiration and have a complete lack of empathy for others. They are never wrong, even when objective facts demonstrate clearly they are, in fact, wrong, and they do not apologize. Ever. You don’t want to challenge a narcissist, especially in front of other people – they will make it their mission in life to destroy you. Note that by challenge, I’m talking about something as simple as offering a different perspective or correcting an innocent mistake. These individuals cannot tolerate anything they perceive to be criticism. They do not want to be exposed as being anything but better than everyone else.

Real life experience with a narcissist

I recently worked with a true narcissist.  This man became enraged whenever someone, in his mind, made him feel “less than”.

Happy to be a part of what I thought was a worthwhile volunteer project, I enjoyed contributing my skills and expertise to the group. I should clarify to say I enjoyed it at the start. As he presented the project to me as a collaborative effort when he invited me to be a part of the group, I assumed my contributions were wanted and valued. I learned quickly they were not. This incredibly controlling individual wanted the last word on everything and basically expected the other group members to simply carry out his ideas.  In other words, he was “the boss”. Any suggestion I made was met with a firm “No”. When I questioned why we could not implement an idea that everyone else clearly felt benefitted the project, he gave a myriad of excuses, most of which were ridiculous. I found it interesting that nine times out of ten my suggestions were later put in place, but then, of course, it was his decision.

Everything really fell apart when I proofed some marketing communications he designed. I found mistakes in his work such as misspelled names, incorrect program descriptions and more.  These errors created more work for the rest of us and made our program look unprofessional. He was not a detail person, and so what, we all have our strengths, and he joked about it frequently.  That being the case, I thought he might appreciate another pair of eyeballs. Most people do, even those who do carefully proof their own work first – after all, we all make mistakes. He did not.  In one of his fits of rage he told me he did, in fact, consider himself a detail person and made those comments simply because he is a humble person. Wow.

During his outbursts, which sometimes lasted two or more hours and included yelling and swearing, he actually screamed at me things like, “It’s my way or the highway”, “Get in line or get out”, and “I won’t be challenged”. He also said he was tired of people “being mean” to him for no reason. For no reason? Really? His rants included personal insults, none of which were professional or helpful. He said I was disrespectful, a know-it-all, and thoughtless because I arrived late to one meeting, despite my calling ahead to apologize and explain. And so much more.  I listened quietly as he raged, not wanting to sink down to his level. The quieter I became, the angrier he grew. It was obvious I hurt him deeply on a personal level and he wanted to hurt me back.  And it was clear he needed to see me react before he would stop – I had to hang up on him to end the call. I was flabbergasted at his childish behavior and instead of feeling hurt, I left the conversation feeling nothing but pity. There obviously was a lot going on with him that had nothing to do with me.

So, should you feel empathy for the narcissist?

I wish I understood this personality disorder better at the time, but it wasn’t until I heard an elightening podcast called Talking Confidence with Holly Caplan, titled, “How to Deal with a Narcissist in Your Workplace”, that I began to truly comprehend it. In the podcast, Holly interviewed Leslie Austin, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and life coach with extensive experience working with narcissists.

 It’s much like dealing with the antics a spoiled child, which is confusing because you’re looking at this person, this grown human being, thinking “This has to be a joke, right?”

Narcissists are often charming people who make a great first impression. They are smart and model behavior they see in other people, such as empathy, but it is an act.  Make no mistake, their end goal is to manipulate the other person.

Below is a list of characteristics you might find in a narcissist.