Mother’s Day Got You Down?

Author: Leslie Farin

Mother’s Day, a celebration honoring mothers and motherhood, is a holiday where people typically spend billions of dollars collectively on gifts, cards, flowers, dining out, and more. This holiday is typically observed on the second Sunday in May in many countries around the world, although the date varies in some regions. While Mother’s Day is a joyous occasion for many, I admit it is a difficult and emotionally challenging day for me.

Why I Dread Mother’s Day

I have a confession to make – I dread Mother’s Day. I have marvelous memories of past Mother’s Day celebrations, but now the holiday is different as I am motherless. Both my mother and my mother-in-law, two of the most wonderful people in my life, passed away during the last five years. Though neither death was completely unexpected, I was not at all prepared for the emotions that still frequently overwhelm me. Admittedly, the pain lessens with time, but I still miss them both terribly, and the much-publicized Mother’s Day is a painful reminder they are gone.

While I am struggling as Mother’s Day approaches, I am aware that others also find this holiday difficult for equally painful reasons. For example, the woman who wants to be a mother, but is unable to conceive, or the family that doesn’t celebrate together because they are estranged. And let’s not forget about the widowers who might need a little extra TLC to get through what used to be a joyful holiday. Whatever the situation, I think it’s important to be sensitive to what others might be going through on a day that many assume is a happy one for all.

Ways to Face Mother’s Day Without Your Mom

For those of you who, like me, are not looking forward to Mother’s Day, I came up with some ideas to help myself get through the day – and thought I’d share them. Some apply to those without a mother, and for those of you who dislike Mother’s Day for different reasons, the others are for you.

For Those Who Are Motherless:

• Do something to honor your mother. Wear an outfit she picked for you, go to her favorite restaurant, or volunteer at a charity she supported.

• Transpose a treasured recipe that reminds you of mom onto a beautiful cutting board – handwriting and all. Circle City Design Company is one company that I know offers these unique custom items.

• Make a list of Mom’s favorite sayings –reading her words later can be a great source of comfort when you need it.

• Create a gallery of Mom’s life. Pull together old photos and documents such as her diploma, passport, and driver’s license in a scrapbook for a beautifully illustrated history of her life.

• Reach out to other women of influence in your life. Perhaps a special elderly relative. Your efforts to connect will likely be appreciated more than you know.

For Anyone Struggling on Mother’s Day, Whatever the Situation:

• Pamper yourself – get a manicure, go to a spa, take a long bath – whatever makes you feel good! You deserve it.

• Stay busy. Go on a long hike in a beautiful area or a walk in the park. Spend the day planting flowers. Finish the book you haven’t been able to make time to read. Volunteer at a local charity.

• Reach out to friends who are also not celebrating Mother’s Day for whatever reason. Make plans to spend a fun day together with others whose company you enjoy.

• Keep the holiday in perspective. Remember that the basic definition of mothering involves nurturing and comforting others. You may not have a child or a mom in your life, but you have given and continue to give to others, so don’t forget to honor yourself. We’ve all provided support and love to others in times of need. And think of all the women who gave of themselves to you over the years; thank them for being there for you.

• Stay off social media for a week before and after Mother’s Day if you think it will be hard to see all the family pictures and tributes! We know you don’t begrudge anyone a happy celebration, but it makes sense to avoid the postings if they cause you pain.

How to Support a Loved One on Their First Mother’s Day Without Mom

The First Mother’s Day without Mom is usually the hardest. If you have a friend experiencing this heartache, you know how much it hurts, but may not know what to do or say. Know that just being there for your friend is deeply valuable. You can provide peace and connection on an otherwise difficult and lonely day. While you may not think that what you can offer is enough, it is.

Your friend will appreciate your support and your efforts to help them remember their loved ones. Asking them to share stories and sweet memories of their mom is a lovely gesture. Depending on the person, simply spending time with your friend so they are not alone on Mother’s Day, and not talking about their mom, can also provide comfort and support. Grief is a very individual thing. If you don’t live close to your friend, a phone call is the next best thing.

On my first Mother’s Day without my mom, a friend asked me for a copy of a recipe I loved that Mom used to make. She made the recipe and brought it over on Mother’s Day. It was too soon for me to try cooking one of her recipes, but it was not too soon to eat it! This was an incredibly kind and thoughtful way to help me get through the day – I never forgot it. What a gift to give someone struggling with their first Mother’s Day after the loss.

Messages for a Loved One on the First Mother’s Day Without Their Mom

What do you say to someone struggling on their first Mother’s Day without their mom? You’ll want to share encouraging words with a message that expresses your sympathy and lifts their spirits. But what do you say? Here are some suggestions.

• “I’m thinking of you today and remembering your mom, sweet friend.”
• “I know you miss your mom so much. I love you!”
• “It’s so wonderful that you shared an incredible bond with your mother and I am so very sorry for your loss.”
• “I know you carry your mom in your heart, today and always. I hope your wonderful memories will help get you through this difficult time.”

The first Mother’s Day is often especially painful and lonely – supporting your friend can be a lifesaver.

Mother’s Day Quotes for Grieving Hearts

Here are some of my favorite quotes about loss and mothers that may help you or someone else who is grieving on Mother’s Day:

“Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity.” – Terri Guillemets

 

“The mother memories that are closest to my heart are the small, gentle ones that I have carried over from the days of childhood.” – Graycie Harmon

 

“Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. It holds us to the richness of our memories.” – Jeannette Walls

 

“We never lose the people we love, even in death. They continue to participate in our lives in the way that memory allows.” – J.M. Coetzee

 

“She is still everywhere with us. Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” – C.S. Lewis

 

“What survives is love.” – Victor Hugo

The Bottom Line

Mother’s Day is one of the sweetest days of the year for many, and those who want to celebrate certainly should do so. In your celebration, however, don’t ignore the pain our friends and neighbors may feel. For those of you who like to throw out, “Happy Mother’s Day” greetings, as so many of us do, try to control yourself. Your well-meaning words may seem hurtful rather than cheerful. And for those who are struggling…take care of yourselves as Mother’s Day approaches in a way that makes you happy.

FAQs

Coping with Mother’s Day after the passing of one’s mother is often a difficult and emotionally challenging experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about how to cope along with potential strategies.

How can I cope with the grief of my mother’s absence on Mother’s Day?

First and foremost, allow yourself to feel your emotions. It’s natural to feel sadness, grief, and longing on Mother’s Day. Give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way feels right for you. It’s also a good idea to find healthy ways to honor and remember your mother. This could include visiting her grave or a place that holds significance, creating a memorial, or participating in activities that she enjoyed. Finally, reach out to supportive friends or family members who can provide comfort and understanding during this time.

Is it okay to celebrate Mother’s Day in a different way now that my mother is gone?

Yes, absolutely. There’s no right or wrong way to celebrate Mother’s Day after the loss of your mother. You can choose to celebrate her life and legacy in a way that feels meaningful to you, whether that involves spending time with loved ones, engaging in self-care activities, or simply reflecting on fond memories.

How can I take care of myself emotionally on Mother’s Day?

We recommend you practice self-care by engaging in activities that bring you comfort and peace, whether it’s spending time outdoors, listening to music, journaling, or practicing mindfulness and meditation. Take time to allow yourself to express your emotions without judgment. It’s okay to cry, laugh, or simply be with your feelings on Mother’s Day. If you are struggling with your grief or emotions surrounding Mother’s Day and feel like you need more support, consider seeing a therapist or counselor.