by Leslie Farin
We’re a society obsessed with planning. From five-year career goals to meticulously crafted vacation itineraries, many of us strive to control the future. Yet, we tend to drop the ball when it comes to our final farewell. Though inevitable, death is something most of us don’t talk about. It’s uncomfortable. We don’t want to confront our mortality.
As a result, we tend not to plan for this time in advance, even though we know a lack of preparation can leave loved ones scrambling during an already difficult time. According to a survey by the Funeral and Memorial Information Council, 69 percent of American adults say they want to arrange their own funerals, but only 17 percent have plans in place.
Talking About Our Mortality Isn’t Morbid; It’s a Gift
This is a topic I didn’t fully understand or even think about until the death of my mother five years ago. She purchased a plot years before at a local cemetery and thought she was all set. Dad said there was nothing to do except to go to the funeral home associated with the cemetery and let them know we were ready to plan the funeral. I learned quickly that the plot, while important, is the easy part. There’s so much more involved in the arrangements. That day, I wrote checks for $12,000 for the transport, casket, service fees, and more. Not only were these costs completely unexpected, but the hours required to make the necessary but seemingly endless decisions while engulfed in grief made for an excruciatingly long day. I did not know Mom’s final wishes as we never discussed them.
Why do so many of us refuse to think about death or communicate our wishes? Doing so in advance helps ensure your wishes are carried out and helps lighten the practical and legal burden. And it is generally a great relief to family members; you don’t want to leave them to struggle with the decisions or unanticipated expenses.
Demystifying Death: A Guide to Funeral Homes
Which is the right funeral home for your situation? How to choose a funeral home that will best meet your needs? And how do you get past the discomfort and awkwardness associated you may feel when talking about death? How can you prevent being taken advantage of cost-wise? I sat down with Dallas-based Zane Belyea to learn the answers to these questions and more. Zane owns two different funeral homes with multiple locations; Distinctive Life Cremation and Funeral Services is non-denominational, while Jewish Funerals USA (Dallas Jewish Funerals and Houston Jewish Funerals) exclusively supports the Jewish Community.
Zane explained upfront that the first step is to understand that talking about death is important. He works hard to dispel common myths and anxieties surrounding death and highlight open communication’s emotional and practical benefits. After all, death, like taxes, is unavoidable. When we keep avoiding the topic, it perpetuates our fears. But the truth is, talking about death can help alleviate our fears and feel more prepared. And happily, discussing it does not bring death closer. We need to normalize the conversation, even if it’s hard.
One of the ways Zane works to demystify death is to spend time out in the community developing positive relationships and providing education. He doesn’t want you to fear reaching out to a professional in the funeral industry. His job is to help families put meaningful and budget friendly plans in place; this is a good thing. He also helps people understand that they have choices and that planning ahead can provide both great peace of mind and significant cost savings. Think about it – when it comes time to talk to a funeral director, you want it to be someone you know and trust, not someone you meet for the first time when you are most vulnerable.
Choosing the Right Funeral Home or Cremation Facility
Where do you start? Not all funeral homes are created equal. It’s essential that you feel confident in the care and service you will receive whether you are planning a funeral for a loved one who passed or making your own plans in advance for the benefit of your loved ones. Zane shared five key factors you want to look for in a funeral home before agreeing to work with one.
Excellent Reputation
Here’s our first tip when thinking about how to choose a funeral home. Look for one with a good reputation, advised Zane. Ask around; get recommendations from your family, friends, and neighbors. Online reviews provide helpful information too and give you a sense of the quality of services that the funeral home provides. If you aren’t able to find any information about the reputation of a funeral home, that’s a red flag.
Read reviews for DISTINCTIVE LIFE CREMATION AND FUNERAL SERVICES
Read reviews for DALLAS JEWISH FUNERALS.
Caring and Compassionate Staff
You’ll want a caring and compassionate staff at the funeral home with whom you choose to work. Talking about death, whether for a loved one who passed recently, or your own in the future, can be extremely emotional and stressful. Can you trust that the professionals at the funeral home can provide you with the compassionate care and service you want and need so you are free to focus on your feelings? Excellent customer service and authenticity are very important in any business, but particularly with a funeral home.
Zane explained that kind, compassionate, and friendly service is a priority for all his funeral homes. For example, his funeral directors are available 24/7, 365 days per year. They employ social workers on staff who hold your hand every step of the way whether it’s for preplanning your funeral or organizing one for a loved one. The staff will meet you wherever you’re comfortable and at your convenience; at the office, at your home, or at a coffee shop. They specialize in providing services at any cemetery, church, or synagogue, or at their facilities, and are well-versed in what’s needed for the funeral of a veteran. Finally, being community-minded, they work extensively with professionals in related fields such as Hospice.
Transparency about Costs – Understanding Funeral Costs
When Mom passed, I didn’t have the where-with-all to shop prices. Who would even think to do that at such a stressful time? We were in a time crunch and straddled with grief. It actually hadn’t even occurred to me that costs could vary at different locations; And naively, I believed I had to purchase the necessary services and products for the funeral at the funeral home located at the cemetery where she purchased the plot. I learned later we have a choice when it comes to which home we use; any funeral home can organize services at any cemetery.
Location
Here’s the deal. All cemeteries are separate business entities from funeral homes, even if the home is located on the cemetery property. This is important. Most people assume they are the same business with the same owner and automatically approach the funeral home where the plot is located to make arrangements. In reality, the cost of that funeral home can be many thousands of dollars more than another one down the street. It may seem easier to use the home on the premises, but if you have a graveside service, which is common these days, no one goes into the funeral home anyway.
Privately vs. Publicly Owned Funeral Homes
Keep in mind that a small privately owned funeral home likely has better prices than one that is publicly traded. And that they order the same products from the same vendors and have access to plots at the same cemeteries. The publicly traded corporations look mainly at the bottom line and try to aggressively sell more expensive products and services. As per Zane,
“Private funeral homes offer tremendous cost savings. For example, the overall prices offered at Dallas Jewish Funerals are 20% – 30% less than those for the Jewish packages at nearby Sparkman/Hillcrest, a publicly traded funeral home.”
Other Cost Considerations
Almost every business or industry has a mandatory fee structure. With this in mind, funeral homes are required to follow the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule. This law stipulates that, when asked, a funeral home:
- Must provide any consumer with a general price list when purchasing any product/service.
- Should inform consumers that they have the right to choose the funeral goods and services that they want (with some exceptions)
- You must also disclose, on the general price list, whether any particular item is required by state or local law.
- May not refuse or charge a fee to handle caskets purchased elsewhere.
- Must provide alternative containers (if cremation is chosen, alternative containers must be offered).
You want to use a funeral home that can work within your budget while serving your needs. Ask for a specific itemized list of expenses outlining all of the expenses with the exception of travel expenses so you can compare them with other options. You can save hundreds, or even thousands, of dollars if you make plans without the stress of time constraints or grief.
Commitment to the Families It Serves
The best funeral homes possess a strong sense of commitment to the families they serve. You want to make sure that you are partnering with a business that shares your values. They must understand the importance of your relationship with your loved one so they can create a unique and meaningful experience for you. Do they understand your religious or cultural beliefs? If your loved one is a veteran, are they familiar with the procedures and traditions? Are they willing to personalize your service? Does the funeral director offer helpful options and explain the benefits and pitfalls of each option in a way that you won’t find anywhere else? Something else to think about – do they offer grief support for the family? A good funeral home is there for you even after the funeral, even though they do not make money on these programs. Ask the funeral director if they offer resources and support to help you through your grieving. Zane takes his commitment to the families they serve very seriously and offers an array of resources to help during this difficult time.
Community Education Programs
It’s beneficial for funeral homes to engage their community in programs that educate people on the funeral industry. A good home and its staff strive to help people better understand the funeral industry and the services they provide. They explain service and burial options, costs, documentation, preplanning, and how to share this information with your family.
The Not-So-Sad Reasons Preplanning Makes Sense
If you’re not sure exactly what preplanning entails, you are not alone. Preplanning, also called advance planning, pre-need, or pre-arranging, is a hard topic, but it doesn’t need to be depressing. It’s just a fact of life that at some point we will all pass and it makes sense to prepare for our final days as we do for any life event. Preplanning is the process of making decisions about your funeral while you’re still alive and healthy. For example, it includes your wishes for the memorial service, such as the music, readings, religious traditions, and burial or cremation options. You can also include transport, the casket, graveside services, and several death certificates you want in your preplanning. Additionally, you can include the plot at this time if you already know where you would like to be buried. If you are unsure where your final resting place will be, you want to work with a funeral home that has relationships with funeral homes and cemeteries in other states.
What are the benefits of preplanning? Advance planning ensures your wishes are known and respected. It also reduces stress and burden on your loved ones during a difficult time. From a financial perspective, it makes good sense as you save money by locking in current costs.
Most funeral homes sell pre-need policies, which are generally sold as a trust-funded product or an insurance product for the consumer’s protection in case the funeral home goes out of business. Generally, pre-need does not provide income to the funeral home unless you ultimately decide to use them for your funeral when the time comes; so, there is no incentive to aggressively sell these plans. They are offered more as a service for the community. PREPLANNING CHECKLIST
What Questions to Ask a Funeral Home?
Here are questions to ask a funeral home to help you gather the information you need to choose the right location for your situation:
General Services:
- What funeral and memorial service options do you offer? (funeral services, memorial services, cremation services, green burials)
- Do you specialize in any particular types of funerals? (cultural funerals, military funerals, veteran funerals)
- Can you help us personalize the funeral service? (personalized touches, music selection, themes)
- Do you offer grief counseling services? (grief counseling, support groups)
Costs and Payment:
- Can you provide me with a general price list for your services? (funeral costs, cremation costs, itemized pricing)
- Do you offer any payment plans or financing options? (payment plans, financing options)
- Are there any additional fees I should be aware of? (hidden fees, facility fees)
- Do you accept veteran benefits or social security death benefits? (veteran benefits, social security death benefits)
Preplanning:
- Do you offer preplanning services? (preplanning services, funeral preplanning)
- What are the benefits of preplanning a funeral? (reduce stress for loved ones, lock in current prices)
- How do I go about preplanning a funeral with you? (preplanning consultation, preplanning documents)
Logistics and Specific Needs:
- What are your hours of operation? (funeral home hours)
- Do you have a facility for visitations and services? (visitation room, chapel)
- Are you able to accommodate our specific cultural or religious needs? (cultural funerals, religious services)
- Do you offer transportation services for the deceased? (transportation services)
- What are your policies on cremation urns and caskets? (cremation urns, caskets, selection options)
Additional Tips:
- Ask about their experience: How long have they been in business? Are they familiar with your area’s customs and traditions?
- Inquire about their staff: Are they licensed and experienced funeral directors and morticians?
- Request referrals: Ask for recommendations from friends, family, or clergy members.
- Schedule a consultation: Meet with the funeral home staff to discuss your needs and ask any further questions you may have.
The Bottom Line
So, how to choose a funeral home? Unfortunately, there are bad actors out there, so choose your funeral home wisely. Find a facility that strives to demystify death through open communication and planning. Look for professionals that empower individuals and families to make informed decisions. You want to work with compassionate and caring individuals who help you make the best and most cost-effective decisions. Make sure you are comfortable with the staff at the funeral home; they must provide comfort and closure during the grieving process, before, during, and after. Finally, consider preplanning. I recommend you think about your wishes and the expenses related to your internment early on, long before you believe you will need these arrangements. Because, then it’s done. You can put away the documents, let your loved ones know how to access them when needed, and not have to think about it again. Open and honest communication is important.
Meet Zane Belyea,
Owner, Distinctive Life Cremation and Funeral Services and Dallas/Houston Jewish Funerals
From an early age, Zane wanted to help people in need, so when he attended Southern Illinois University, he decided to study Social Work & Psychology. During his first year after graduation, Zane worked with abused and neglected children, before spending eleven years in the education industry, eventually becoming Vice President of Recruitment for a large education firm. In 2011, after many years of business travel, and a growing family in Dallas, Zane followed the advice of one of his mentors and began a new career in the funeral industry. True to his roots in social work, Zane finds it deeply rewarding to help families during one of the worst moments of their lives, and he has instilled that passion for service throughout the organization. “Every member of our team has a solemn commitment to serve all our families well beyond their expectations. We absolutely won’t let them down.”
Learn more about:
DALLAS JEWISH FUNERALS and
DISTINCTIVE LIFE CREMATION AND FUNERAL SERVICES.
Contact Zane via email or by phone at (972) 424-1141.
FAQs
Below are some frequently asked questions related to funerals from our readers.
How can I find out how much a funeral will cost upfront?
Funeral homes are required by law to provide you with a general price list upon request. This helps with budgeting and allows you to compare different options. Keep in mind that costs vary depending on your choices.
What if I can’t afford a traditional funeral?
Funeral homes offer a range of services at various price points. Explore options like cremation or smaller gatherings. You can also discuss payment plans or explore veteran or social security benefits that might be available.
What if I need help coping with grief after a loss?
Good funeral homes help with the grieving process. For example, they may provide online resources, support groups, and referrals to grief counselors.
Should I talk to my family about my funeral wishes in advance?
Absolutely! Preplanning a funeral can be very helpful. It allows you to make your wishes known and potentially save money by locking in current prices. Open communication within families about final wishes and funeral preferences is becoming more common.
Why plan your funeral in advance?
In addition to the potential cost savings, preplanning allows you to make decisions calmly and rationally, relieving your loved ones of the burden of making difficult choices during a time of grief. It also ensures that your wishes are known and followed.
How far in advance should I preplan my funeral?
There’s no set timeline for preplanning a funeral, but we recommend sooner rather than later. Many people choose to preplan when they’re healthy and able to make decisions without the pressure of illness or impending death.
What are some eco-friendly funeral options? Are green burials and eco-conscious funerals growing in popularity?
A distinct shift is underway in how we approach death and there is an increased demand these days for green burials and eco-friendly funerals options. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, more than half of Americans are seeking greener options. The choices include biodegradable urns and caskets and minimal embalming practices. You can also choose alternative funeral arrangements. For example, you can be entombed in a coral reef. Donated to science. Set adrift in an ice urn. Composted. Even entombed in a coral reef.
What to wear to a funeral?
If you are uncertain about the dress code for a funeral, we recommend sticking to subdued colors like black, gray, navy, or beige to show your respect for the departed and the bereaved. Tee shirts and jeans won’t work, but you don’t need to go overboard with formal attire. Consider where the service will be held; if a graveside service, wear safe and comfortable shoes that work well outside where the ground may be soft and/or muddy.
Are virtual funeral services generally available?
Yes, virtual funeral services are a great option if you are not able to attend in person. The act of honoring a loved one’s memory by livestreaming a funeral service became common during the pandemic and continues to increase in popularity.