Let me start by saying I am not one of those people who takes kindly to life’s wake-up calls – those unexpected events that can throw you for a loop.
Some people respond by saying, “I’m so glad that happened! It really made me do X, Y, or Z.” Or “If that unwanted event hadn’t taken place, I would still be stuck in the same job/relationship/situation.”
Not me, however. When a wake-up call occurs, and over many years I’ve had plenty, I am more likely to say, “It’s not fair. Why did this happen? Why did this happen to me?” And while later I might recognize the positive impact that wake-up call had on my life, it does take me quite some time to get to that point.
Let me give you an example of a wake-up call that life was kind enough to toss my way.
Experiencing a Health Wake-Up Call
In 2009, my life was, on the whole, pretty good. While I lost my mother to cancer several years earlier, I still fortunately had my father in my life. My writing business was going well, and I even attained the rank of author with my first book, The Gifts of Change. (Ironically, this was a collection of essays about making the most of the changes that come into your life.)
Everything was going the way I wanted it to, and if I still had some goals to pursue, specifically, being a published fiction author, I figured I had time. After all, I was only in my early fifties. No big rush to do it, right?
My Unexpected “Gift”
That’s what I thought until a surprise visit from my friend Dianne in February for my birthday led to a series of events. Since the weather was cold, we opted to stay home and do some fun “girl things”, one of which was to dye my hair red. (Not using permanent hair color dye, mind you. I am not a brave person when it comes to making major changes to my looks!)
I waited for Dianne, the self-appointed colorist, with a towel wrapped around me. But when she entered the bathroom, her first words were, “What is that on your back?”
“That” was what I thought was a mole but what my dermatologist subsequently told me was a melanoma. I’ll spare you the details except that I was lucky it was caught early. After the removal, all that was required were follow-up visits every three months to monitor any other skin changes that might warrant further exploration. Nevertheless, it was not the gift I wanted for my fifty-fifth birthday!
Why Me?
Once I got over the shock and fear and anger (Some version of “Why me?” and “It’s not fair!” figured prominently in my conversations for quite some time), I started to think about how this could have turned out. And that led me to reflect on what I would most regret not having accomplished if the biopsy result had come back as a Stage 3 or 4. Not surprisingly, that had to do with my writing—specifically my fiction books, and even more specifically, a collection of short stories.
Using Life Experiences for Growth
That melanoma diagnosis was a wake-up call telling me that there was no guarantee of how many years I had ahead of me, and if I wanted to achieve that goal, then I had better stop thinking about it and start doing something to ensure it happened. So, I did, and even though it took another five years to turn that dream into reality, I held my first short story collection in my hands by the time I turned 60.
How to Recognize Life’s Wake-Up Calls
How do you recognize life’s wake-up calls? While my wake-up call came as a health scare, this kind of “life alerts” can take other forms as well. Sometimes they happen when a relationship ends and you are left standing there, alone and lonely. Sometimes they happen when your employment ends, either by choice or circumstance, and you aren’t sure what to do next.
And sometimes the wake-up call comes when you celebrate a “milestone birthday”: you turn 50 or 60 or (gulp!) 70, and you realize that you are getting, if not old, then certainly older. That there are more years behind you than ahead. Maybe even that, with the loss of your parents, you are now the oldest generation in your extended family; the senior member, so to speak. Whatever form the wake-up call takes, it can be a disconcerting and discombobulating experience, one you thought happened only to other people.
Dealing With the Wake-Up Call Experience
Since wake-up calls can’t be avoided, I’ve found that the best strategy begins by accepting the fact that they will occur, and by undertaking some advance preparation, you’ll be better able to cope with that inevitability. Here are some ideas to consider.
Identify your inner strengths.
When an unpleasant event happens, your first emotion might be to believe that you can’t handle it. That you don’t have what it takes to get through it. That this experience is more than you can deal with.
This is when it can be useful to recall other times in your life when you were hit – and hit hard – with an occurrence that shook you to your core. Eventually, you got through it and made it through the dark scary forest, finally finding yourself in a safe, sunlit meadow, so to speak. While you perhaps had some outside assistance, the fact remains that you had untapped capabilities and abilities that came to your aid when you most needed them.
What-If Thinking
Another story: When my mother’s cancer reached the point of hospice care, she opted to return home for her remaining days. I flew out to California to help my father who asked me if I would take on the role of primary caregiver for her until she passed. I agreed, but not without some misgivings. This would be my first experience helping someone I loved dearly who would likely die in a matter of a few weeks.
What if I did something wrong? What if I didn’t administer the right level of pain medication? Or, if in the process of bathing her, dislodged the various tubes that were still in place? Even worse, what if I failed to say the right words to comfort her fears or answer her questions if the end-of-life conversation took place?
Fortunately, all my worries came to naught, and my mother died peacefully. Later when I thought about those long days and nights, I was proud of myself for being able to take on the role. I cared for my mother and supported my father through what was an emotionally devastating time for all of us. And later, when I became the caregiver for my father, I recalled that time. I reassured myself that, if I could serve in that capacity with my mother, I could do it again with my dad. I was stronger than I thought and knew that when he died, as grief-stricken as I would be, I would come through it successfully.
Create a support group.
In my life, I have been fortunate to have a core group of friends and family members who were there for me and with me when a wake-up call happened. And in turn, I hope I was there for them.
The key is to not wait until you find yourself struggling to build your support network. Start now, because at some point you will need it. Who should be part of that group? People you can trust to give you advice, assistance, and comfort as you move through various life events. And once you have this group, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for what you need when life becomes more than you can handle.
That being said, keep in mind the old saying, “You have to be a friend to have one.” You can’t expect people to rally around you if you are MIA when they need help. Build your support network on the principle of give-and-take. Sometimes, you’ll be the one providing what is needed. Other times, you’ll be the one in need. It’s a positive circle of encouragement and love that gets stronger as time goes on.
Make a bucket list.
Are you having a hard time dealing with a “milestone birthday” that makes you feel like your best days are behind you? When that happens, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking there is nothing to look forward to but the appearance of the Grim Reaper, scythe in hand.
This is when a bucket list comes in handy. Grab a piece of paper and a pen and start listing all the things you want to do in the coming days, weeks, or years. Recall goals that you may have put on the back burner because life responsibilities took precedence. Dust them off, and consider if you still want to reach them, and if so, what steps you need to take.
While you’re at it, add some new goals to your list. It’s about having something to look forward to, something positive, to help balance the negative feelings that can overwhelm you at this time. And as you work through your bucket list, check off each step you complete. Baby step or big step – it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you are moving forward.
Avoid negative talk.
Sometimes, even with the best of intentions, people around us can say things that make a tough life experience even harder. They might tell you that when something similar happened to them, it took them years to get through it. Or when you share your bucket list with them, they say you can’t possibly achieve any of them, giving the following as reasons:
- You’re too inexperienced.
- You’re not well enough.
- You’re too old.
They might honestly believe they are helping you, that they are simply pointing out the inevitability of failure as a way of protecting you. But what you really need at that moment is encouragement. You need to believe that the Golden Ticket – think Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory – might be yours if you just give it your best shot.
Sometimes, that negative self-talk originates within you. Every time you look at that bucket list, you come up with all the reasons why you can’t achieve any of those goals. Your own self-doubts become a greater obstacle than anything else. This is when you need to think back to challenges you overcame, goals you met, or difficulties you circumvented. Each success you achieve will reinforce your positive view of yourself and your abilities and defeat those negative thoughts.
Make the Most of Every Minute.
I’d like to say that life gets easier as we get older. It doesn’t. But what does happen is that, with each event we go through, we become stronger. We build on those attributes and qualities that helped us in the past. We gain new abilities and skills as a result of those experiences.
Make use of those wake-up calls, rather than dreading them. They remind us that we need to make the most of each year, each week, each day; to use each moment granted to us to discover what we can do, who else we can be, and what we can achieve.
About the Author: Nancy Christie
Nancy Christie is the award-winning author of eight books. She’s also a speaker and host of the podcast Living the Writing Life.
Both her fiction and nonfiction books explore the subject of change; the challenges in transitioning (physically or emotionally) from one place to another, the sense of loss that develops when the landscape of life undergoes a metaphorical shift, and the importance of finding the strength and courage to move forward.
Her short story collections communicate the realities of life – happy and sad, serious and amusing – through fictional characters. The collections are a mix of tales. Some tell the stories of those who don’t have a voice or illuminate dark corners where the shadow people live. Others depict fantastical or humorous experiences that can occur when one least expects.
Her Midlife Moxie Novel Series takes a more lighthearted approach to life’s twists and turns, as the characters face changes in their circumstances that they must adapt to and grow through—sometimes willingly and other times, perhaps less so! Click here for her Midlife Moxie Novel Series™ YouTube channel!
Her short fiction has appeared in both print and online publications, with several earning placements in national competitions.
Learn more About Nancy at her website, www.nancychristie.com, or on her YouTube page, featuring a three-part video interview with journalist Barbara Routen talking about RUT-BUSTING BOOK FOR WRITERS.
You can also follow her on Twitter, Facebook, TikTok and Instagram.